I read somewhere that says creating is how we can feel fulfilment. I think it’s because putting out something that you made into the world makes you feel that you have added a little part of you to it.

This is why whenever I bake something good, draw a pretty card, cook a yummy dish, I feel a sense of quiet fulfilling joy. Because I created something!

I have been spending more time alone these days since I injured my ankle and had to stop playing ultimate. Without that, suddenly I had a lot of free time on my hands. Which freaked me out. What am I supposed to do with all the time? Who can I hang out with? I desperately needed to spend time with someone. Preferably a good friend. Most preferably Danny. And I realised I do not have many friends in Cambridge.

Is it okay to be emotionally attached to someone?

We are all social creatures and we need one another. Let’s depend on each other. Let’s be burdens to each other.

To burden someone is to love.

I trust you enough to ask you for help.

To be burdened is to be loved.

You trust me enough to ask for my help.

We all want to feel needed.

Sometimes I think about Danny too much. And I try to spend whatever free time I have with him. He feels like a friend who would slip away easily once I stopped making the effort. Like how sand slips through the gaps between your fingers. Trying to get to know him better is not easy. The real him. The him behind the walls that he built. I wonder why I get so hung up on him. Or people like him (WJS is the most similar one I can think of). He is someone who is so sure of himself. Who knows himself very well. Who is perfectly content to be just by himself. You know he doesn’t need you. But you want to be needed. You want to matter to him.

The thing is, you can’t force someone to care about you. You can’t make people do something. What you can do, however, is to grow into someone who matters to them. But that doesn’t happen overnight. You have to act like the person you want to be. You can’t cry and beg for someone to act in the way you want them to. You have to let go of any expectations and let fate flow. You have to trust that by letting go, by letting them come and go as they wish, they will feel the most comfortable around you. Because you let them be who they are, without any shackles.

Isn’t that the highest form of love? To love without any strings attached. Without any expectations. To love you for who you are. Not because I want anything from you. Not because I want anything from you. Just because you are you.

It is hard of course. When we love someone, we often have expectations that come along with it. We want them to love us back the same way we do. We want them to care for us the same way we do. Where there is expectation, there will unavoidably be disappointment.

I used to hold a pessimistic principle of having zero expectation of anyone. I believed that it was the way I could escape from being let down. From being hurt. Asyraf once said to me (when we were chatting about this along time ago): there will always be expectations when you care about someone. And I thought, maybe having expectations is not an entirely bad thing after all? For it is proof that you care about the other person?

I am now thinking of this in a new light. Having zero expectations not because I don’t want to get hurt, but it being a form of unconditional love.

I love you, without strings. I love you, so it’s okay you don’t want to tell me about the thing you did that Tuesday evening. I love you, so I shall accept you wholly as you are.

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